He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
