my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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