i barfeds in our rink
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
