You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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