What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
