I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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