either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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