btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
