why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
