it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
