how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
