that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
