Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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