Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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