peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
