Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
