the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
