Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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