We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
