I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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