Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
