YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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