Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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