Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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