Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
