I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
