I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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