I wish my penis had an off switch
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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