i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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