I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
