Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
