Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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