you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
