Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just want nice things and good sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
