good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
