He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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