if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
