just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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