There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
