I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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