we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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