my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
