just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
