Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
