Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
