And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I look better un-naked...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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