I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
