omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
