Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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