I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
