They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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