The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
