This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
