Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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