I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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