I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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