I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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