so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
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gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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