Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
